Jerry Springer! Shinobi Style!
by LoneCard
Summary: Today's topic: I cheated on you...with your brother! Who is the baby's daddy? DISCONTINUED
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: All the characters are in their late twenties unless otherwise stated. Oh yeah, and I don't own Naruto, Jerry Springer, blah, blah, blah, you people know the drill.

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"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" 

A crowd chanted loudly as none other than Jerry Springer himself appeared on stage. The crowd had already noticed the thick fiberglass wall standing between them and said stage. They knew this meant that the guests, renowned shinobi, would probably give them quite a show to remember.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen! On today's show: I cheated on you…with your brother!" The audience let out gasps, moans, and shouts. They all had one saying in mind: Beware the wrath of a woman scorned. If that were to be believed, imagine how it would be with ninja!

"Our first guest…" Jerry looked at an index card in his hand. "Is Sakura Haruno!" The audience let out cheers as she walked onstage and sat in a chair. "Now, Sakura's husband, Sasuke Uchiha, is back stage in a sound-proof room." Jerry indicated a large screen on the brick wall behind them. On it was Sasuke, glaring intently at the camera. "Sasuke has no idea why he's here. Now, Sakura, tell us the whole story."

Sakura sat in the chair, already on the verge of tears. "I love Sasuke, I really do, but I cheated on him!" Gasps and boos from the audience. "And the little boy we have…I'm not sure it's his!" She sobbed into a tissue while the audience gasped and cursed. "The baby might be his brother's!" A long beep was heard as every audience member cursed at that. Itachi…that could _not_ be good.

"So," Jerry said once everyone shut up. "You cheated on him. Does Sasuke know?"

"I don't know! He acts like he doesn't, but I think he does!" She continued to sob.

"The child Sasuke and Sakura supposedly had together is also backstage, along with Itachi himself!" Jerry indicated the screen again, which held three separate images: A two-year-old boy in-between images of Sasuke and Itachi. "Now, let's bring out Sasuke!" Sasuke came out on stage to polite, almost pitying applause. He ran over to Sakura when he saw her crying. "Sakura-Chan, what's wrong?"

"Sasuke-kun, there's something I have to tell you…"

"What it is?" It looked as though Sasuke had already guessed, but was praying to Kami that he was dead wrong. He wasn't.

"I cheated on you!"

Sasuke immediately picked up a chair and threw it at the fiberglass. It bounced back to him. He punched the chair right before it hit him, and it burst into a million pieces.

"Sasuke, that's not all…. I cheated with Itachi, and I think he might be the father!"

Sasuke stopped destroying furniture and looked at Sakura, who was just hysterical at this point. "Itachi! The bastard who killed my clan! Sakura, you of all people should know what he did to me!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Now, Sasuke, Sakura we have here the paternity results." The two looked at the sealed envelope in Jerry's hands. In it was sealed the future of their relation ship, or lack thereof. "Before we reveal the father, Itachi, come on out!" The audience was deathly quiet as Itachi stalked onto the stage. Sasuke immediately began to attack him.

"You mother- [BEEP) bastard!"

"Not my fault _you_ can't fulfill her needs." Itachi held Sasuke in a chokehold and boomed into his ear, making sure everyone could hear him taunting his younger brother. "Why do you think she came to me, Sasuke? I had what she needed, not you." Sasuke kicked Itachi in a place that most boys do not liked to be kicked.

"AHHGG! You [beep) little [beep), I shoulda [beep) that [beep) when I had the chance."

"Stop it, both of you!" Sakura's pleads turned to deaf ears, however. Most of Jerry's staff was reluctant to try to separate two most likely armed and very dangerous shinobi.

"Both of you settle down." Jerry yelled. "I have the results." All three turned to Jerry, waiting with bated breath.

"Sasuke, you are…"

Suspense! Ahhh, what will I happen next? Who's the baby's daddy? Why am I asking you? Read on and find out!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Yes, I know it' Maury who does the paternity tests, but Jerry'll make more sense in later chapters. Now on to the story!

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"Sasuke, you _are_ the father!" Sasuke whooped with joy. Itachi just stormed off backstage to kill the first person that had the misfortune to run into him. Sakura laughed a little when Sasuke had picked her up and spun her a bit. 

"Sasuke, I'm sorry, could you every forgive me?"

"Of course." The audience had a large group _AWW!_

"Hold on, I'm not done!" Jerry snapped. "Sakura agreed to take a polygraph test." Sakura froze in fear. Sasuke noted this and panicked again. "When Sakura was asked if she'd cheated on you more then once, she said no. That was a lie."

Sasuke put her down and punched the wall. "How many times, Sakura! HUH?! HOW MANY!?"

"When we asked, the polygraph determined that she cheated on you sixteen times with three other men, including Itachi."

Sasuke ran back stage, bitter tears just barely being held back. Sakura ran after him. "Sasuke, they didn't mean anything to me!"

"So you were willing to risk everything we had for nothing!"

"Sasuke, no! I love you!"

"No you don't! I can't take it anymore Sakura! WE ARE THROUGH, YOU HEAR ME? THROUGH!" Sasuke picked up his son and stormed out, leaving a very distraught Sakura behind.

Jerry, still on stage, held up another index card. "Next up, Kiba!" Kiba, holding Akamaru, nervously walked onstage. "Kiba's…err…_life partner_…is here backstage." The screen showed the most feared sand nin in all of Suna…none other than Gaara Sabaku no! _Shit_, the audience thought as he gave his trademark death glare. _This is going to turn into a bloodbath! Oh, Kami, we are doomed!_

As the audience started checking if the glass was sealed tight against the walls, Jerry began talking to Kiba.

"Well," Kiba said. "Gaara and I have been going out for a few years now, but I never told him I'm bi." The audience gasped.

"Does Gaara know?"

"No, and that's what makes it worse! He trusts me completely. I feel so [beep) bad. It's even worse because-!" He stopped suddenly, choking on his tears.

"Go on Kiba."

"I'm cheating on him with his sister!"

"And that's not all, folks!"

"I think I got her pregnant!" The audience gasped their deepest yet. Getting Gaara Sabaku no's married sister pregnant…when you were going out with him! Did this kid have, like, a death wish? Even his dog, Akamaru, backed away from him.

"Right," Jerry said. "Now, lets bring out the Kazekage himself, Gaara Sabaku no!" The audience didn't dare move or even breath as Gaara walked onstage, malice in his eyes. However, when he spotted Kiba crying onstage, his face immediately became concerned and slightly panicked.

"Kiba-Chan, what's wrong?" Jerry stepped back a little, not wanting to be in Gaara's way when his boyfriend confessed.

"Gaara, I'm sorry…" Gaara didn't need to hear anymore. He fell to his knees, his eyes wide and torn. He was like a child being told he wasn't loved…again.

"Who was it?"

"Your sister!" He audience leaned forward, waiting for the bloodbath to begin.

"B-but…I thought you…that you were…like me."

"Gaara, I'm bi! I think I got her pregnant, too, I'm sorry!" Gaara didn't move. Then, his shoulders started shaking. Was he crying? He was. The audience watched, now feeling sympathy for the once brutal killer. Kiba knelt down beside Gaara and tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Gaara however, only squirmed away. "Don't…I don't wanna be near you now." The audience sighed, half in relief that there was in fact no massacre, and half in pity for the poor redhead. "Gaara, I'm sorry…"

"You're first person I really trusted, you know." An awkward silence befell the shattered couple. Jerry coughed. "Now, let's bring out Temari and her husband, Shikamaru!"

What will happen when Shikamaru meets the man who wrecked his love life? I know this one was a little sad; I'll try to make the next one better!


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright, where is that lil' snitch?" Temari snapped onstage. She was barely two months pregnant, but already bitchy about it. "I told Kiba to keep his mouth shut, but-" She looked over and saw her little brother crying. "W-what did you do to him?" She ran over to him. "Why the hell is he here?"

"Wait, wait a minute," Jerry said. "You mean Temari didn't know Kiba was dating her brother?"

"You were WHAT?" Temari screamed. She pointed at Kiba. "You never told me you were going out with Gaara! You-" Temari never got to say anymore. Shikamaru, for all his laziness, was kicking Kiba's ass pretty rough.

"You [BEEP) little [Beep)! You think I'd let you [beep) get away with it? Huh? Did ya?"

"You know, Shikamaru," Temari said, her hands on her hips. "If you were this much action in the sack, I wouldn't've cheated on you." The crowd oohed. "Oh, shut up! If you have to ask when he's done, you'd be looking around, too!"

"What you say, bitch?"

"I said, you ain't good in the sack!"

"…" Everyone in the building stared. Gaara was slumped against a chair, sobbing quietly, inching away whenever Kiba tried to comfort him.

"That's right," Temari screamed. "you heard me!"

The two argued for a few minutes, ignoring the other couple. A quarter of a hour later...

"Shikamaru, I don't care if it's not your kid!"

"Oh, yeah?" He yelled. "Well, what about _my_ needs, huh?! Ever since you got knocked up, you ain't done nothin' but lie around and watch your stupid wrestling shows!"

"Well, it's better than your stupid never-ending soaps! All you do is worry over whether or not Maria's daughter is really Nikko's son! I get it, you have no life!"

"Now, calm down you two," Jerry said. "Now, we'll be taking questions from the audience."

**Well, readers, what questions do you have for these people?**


	4. Chapter 4

Jerry, after leading all of the day's guests back on-stage, turned to the audience, which obviously had been packed from the start, and had quite a few questions for the scandalous shinobi. After a few moments, he pointed at one of the audience members. "Yes, you."

"Uh, one for Sakura" Jerry nodded, and a girl named Angel stood up to address the pink-haired girl. "Sakura, how could you cheat on Sasuke-kun?! He's been nice to you!" The audience roared its approval at the statement. Sakura continued to cry into her handkerchief. "And especially on his brother! Sasuke," Angel turned to Sasuke, who was still holding his son, "You deserve somebody better..." She suddenly snapped her head to the older Uchiha. "Itachi, how dare you help Sakura cheat on Sasuke! He didn't do anything!" She took a deep breath, having ranted for a moment. "Sasuke, you should just break up with Sakura!" She couldn't believe she was saying this, because she liked SasuSaku. _But 16 different times, Jesus! _She thought. _That's over doing it! _She sat back down to supportive applause. Jerry looked around for a moment, and picked another member of the studio audience, another girl, Inu.

"I wanna know," She started. "WHAT THE _HELL_, KIBA!? WHAT. THE. HELL. Why would you do that?" The audience cheered. "And don't even get me started on you, Temari! Shikamaru is so much better, but _no_, it had to be dog boy again. Kiba, you bastard." Shikamaru looked like he was trying to look smug, but was still crushed on the inside.

"Oh, and Sakura, you wanted Sasuke _so_ bad, but you cheated on him with his murderer of a brother... dayum ... that's low. Sakura, you [Beep)!"  
"Is that all?" Jerry asked.

"Yeah, I guess that's about it, stinking hos."

"Now," Jerry said. "Our next guests. Please welcome Naruto Uzumaki..."

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Angel is **TheDevilsAngel93**, and Inu is **InubabygirlKagome200815. **Thank you! 


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